Breakdown
I hate my life. My diet is so damn lame, I’ve been trying to eat 1800 calories a day, what a fucking joke. 3800 a day more like.
Tonight as I was getting ready for YG my mother says “That shirt’s to tight, do you have another you can wear.” It just set me off. I was already going to change, and anyone who knows me also knows that I have to feel like I look perfect when I leave. But her little comment pissed me off, and hurt my feelings, and made me feel like I looked bad. I know I’m way too sensitive, but I can’t help it, little things always get under my skin and drive me nuts.
So I changed, and changed, and changed, one shirt was tight on my stomach, another was too old, I looked shitty in my jeans…..I can’t stand myself for being such a picky ass. My extra weight is almost enough to drive me out of my mind, add all my fears about how I look, my insecurities, my anxiety about being accepted, and if you add even one small tap to that I go crazy, get depressed, and want to eat everything in sight.
It ended up being to late to go to YG but I really wanted to go damn it.
And my closet swearing makes me feel like a sinful loser. ( although it seems to be the least of my problems)
I can’t stand being late, so after all the problems about my clothes I was going to be about 20 minutes late, even if I had something I could go in. ( which I didn’t) So I threw my crap around and started crying. Then I had to wash my makeup off.
My mom just left, my sister locked herself out of her house and needed mom to come with the extra keys.
She offered to have us go to the store and get the software to get my DVD player (in my computer) working right, so maybe we could watch a DVD later. But I said no. I couldn’t even face getting ready to leave after all the other problems, and going to the store with my mom is just, awful sometimes, especially when I‘m in a bad mood.. I just couldn’t take anymore.
And I was still mad at her for saying that I should give the shirt I was wearing earlier away.
I just fucking bought it! AUGHHH!
So happy me, I feel sick, from the chocolate chips I just ate. I just want to curl up and die. My problems are so overwhelming. And no I don’t just mean about the shirt earlier, many other things contribute to putting me in this state.
More later…
Tonight as I was getting ready for YG my mother says “That shirt’s to tight, do you have another you can wear.” It just set me off. I was already going to change, and anyone who knows me also knows that I have to feel like I look perfect when I leave. But her little comment pissed me off, and hurt my feelings, and made me feel like I looked bad. I know I’m way too sensitive, but I can’t help it, little things always get under my skin and drive me nuts.
So I changed, and changed, and changed, one shirt was tight on my stomach, another was too old, I looked shitty in my jeans…..I can’t stand myself for being such a picky ass. My extra weight is almost enough to drive me out of my mind, add all my fears about how I look, my insecurities, my anxiety about being accepted, and if you add even one small tap to that I go crazy, get depressed, and want to eat everything in sight.
It ended up being to late to go to YG but I really wanted to go damn it.
And my closet swearing makes me feel like a sinful loser. ( although it seems to be the least of my problems)
I can’t stand being late, so after all the problems about my clothes I was going to be about 20 minutes late, even if I had something I could go in. ( which I didn’t) So I threw my crap around and started crying. Then I had to wash my makeup off.
My mom just left, my sister locked herself out of her house and needed mom to come with the extra keys.
She offered to have us go to the store and get the software to get my DVD player (in my computer) working right, so maybe we could watch a DVD later. But I said no. I couldn’t even face getting ready to leave after all the other problems, and going to the store with my mom is just, awful sometimes, especially when I‘m in a bad mood.. I just couldn’t take anymore.
And I was still mad at her for saying that I should give the shirt I was wearing earlier away.
I just fucking bought it! AUGHHH!
So happy me, I feel sick, from the chocolate chips I just ate. I just want to curl up and die. My problems are so overwhelming. And no I don’t just mean about the shirt earlier, many other things contribute to putting me in this state.
More later…
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home